Unfolding

New Year!

2011-01-13T22:53:00.002-05:00

It's a new year!
Somehow I've let it slip by.
I need to work on some goals for the year.
Writing them down is half of accomplishing them, I hear.

I am truly in process of being shaped into a different human being. I hope in the best way possible. New things, new places, new people, will do that to you.

It's a fabulous thing, Life is, and I want to be full of it. Of Him.

Here's to a new start, new mercies every morning!
Glory.

New Life, part one

2009-08-18T19:01:00.002-04:00

Mmmk. So many have asked me to keep them updated on this move that I think I should have a running editorial on life in Birmingham. But, alas, I don't know if a blog is the way, or an email...or a letter typed and mailed...wow. It is about to POUR. I just saw the lightning through my window along with some rumbling thunder.

I need to think in not such a public forum, perhaps. So more to come later.

Watering

2009-08-12T00:39:00.002-04:00

Starting a new life is weird. How will I find the post office? What do people in offices actually DO all day? I suppose I will find out.

I'm looking at my soupy cereal right now, and all the granola and flaxseed has blown up. The milk is slightly blueberry-colored. My room is a wreck. In the name of moving, of course.

This should be a new beginning in all respects. I will somehow find a way to exercise, or dance, frequently. I will abstain from shopping and eating out far too much. I will always be on time, always wash my face, and always be excited to wake up in the morning. You know, they say that writing down goals makes them more likely to happen...well. Somehow these goals seem much less likely now that I read them written out. And this proverbial "They"...who are They? What do They know, anyway.

Maybe I can pull out my black tights with multi-colored hearts on them this fall. Is that acceptable office attire? Is this what my college education has boiled down to? What can I wear to work? Surely not. I know it's not. But it certainly feels like it.

Waiting seems to be the theme of the season. What seems like useless waiting. I guess we all have to wait. It just looks different for some people than others.

So while I wait, I will get sheets and towels for little ones to use across the ocean. I will make pictures and write notes just because. I will enjoy the moments I have and with the people I have them with. What is that saying?...I will bloom where I'm planted.

whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered.
proverbs 11:25

Your Love Never Fails

2009-05-24T00:51:00.001-04:00

Really. It doesn't.

Jim and Pam are great.

2009-03-25T01:29:00.002-04:00

Instead of perhaps studying more thoroughly for my exam tomorrow, I sat and watched deleted scenes from the office with my roommates. How could I resist? They all are so happy and it looks like so much fun...
Really, that's about all I have. I was trying to think of a funny story, but...nothing.
The difference one hour can make is amazing. Exhibit A: I could have gone to sleep an hour ago and been tired, yes, but good in the morning squeezing into my tights and leotard for the 2nd time this week. But. Here I am, an hour later, and the likelihood of me feeling like I got run over by a truck as I roll out of bed and, soon after, warm up for plie, releve, retire, is much greater. So. Before it becomes another hour, I am off.

You'll Come

2008-12-01T00:29:00.002-05:00

What a wonderful song. I declare that He will come. In all the craziness of school and family and life, He will come. I just want Him in all His fullness. I had to think about what Solomon was asked...what would I want, if I could have anything? And after thinking about it for a little while, I think that is what I would say. The Lord Almighty in His fullness. Jesus. Daddy. Savior. Spirit. If I could have that, I would lack nothing. I want it--Him--to come into my life with that fullness. It is from the fullness of His grace that I receive blessing after blessing. Or another way to look at it...from His fullness, I receive grace upon grace. Beautiful. His love. Compassion. Broken heart. Wisdom. Grace. Forgiveness. All in Him. Jesus...You will come. Surely as the sun rises...
Let Your glory fall as You respond to us.
Spirit reign.
Flood into our thirsty hearts again...

Chains be broken!
Lives be healed.
Eyes be opened.
Christ is revealed.

The Sounds of My Day

2008-09-18T12:59:00.002-04:00

Buzz-Buzz, Buzz-Buzz. [Vibrating alarm]

Creak. [Back into bed, ignoring alarm]

Dang it. [Overslept. Bad.]

Hallelujah Chorus. [Trish gives me water and a ride to class]

Omph! [Falling into my seat climbing over my fellow classmates. Auditorium style.]

Overstating Ending Inventory, LCM Wah, Wah, Wah...[Accounting]

'I think elderly people should have the right to be sexually active if they choose...' [Controversy 9. When do we make judgement calls for elders?]

YES. [Dad overestimated deposit to my account]

OOh! [Tripping directly in front of men smoking on way home]

Squeak-Squeak, Squeak-Squeak. [Anti-fungal foot powder+Chaco flipflops= endless noise once powder has dissolved]

Belch...Well S%*t Jim...[Construction workers on walk home. Liberty taken--his name may have been John.]

Creeepy...[Other construction worker watching me walk through a window...for the second time...]

S**t. [Upon discovering no one is home and I don't have my keys]

Double S**t. [Upon discovering next door is locked also. Just being honest...]

Creeeaak...[Ceej opens her door!]

Hooray! [I remember we have a spare key!]

I wonder...[Package on doorstep for me. Am I a bridesmaid?]

Aw! [Indeed I am.]

Boo...[I now will study the rest of the day]

The End.

Politics, the Office, and War

2008-09-16T00:03:00.002-04:00

Geez. I know I should be up on the times, but sometimes I get sick of politics talk. Listening to some friends dress down the candidates and America. It might all be true. But I am kind of over it at times.

Pacifism...war...how does it fit together? What do I think about all of this? I honestly don't know. And is it ok that I don't know? Can I be open to different ideas without immediately jumping on them and swallowing them whole. Am I conservative? Am I liberal? I don't know.
Jesus. I want to know You. I want to follow You. Not get caught up in things that tangle. Whatever that means for politics or issues of the day. Let me be full of wisdom and compassion. I want to try to solve problems and love people rather than harp on problems. Awareness of problems is key. But it gets overwhelming to me simply to go into extreme detail of hundreds of issues and have no solution. Is that naive? Maybe I am too idealistic. I want to change the world. But the world gets changed by changed hearts, not changed policies, really. So I want to love people. Help them. Show them Jesus. So they may be changed. So we may be changed. That is where I am at, currently. I think.

However, I do know that I love Jim and Pam. And a love story like that sounds very nice someday. That's all I have to say about that. A good laugh is so precious. And oh, how they come on office days. That's what she said.

It Sucks You In!

2008-09-04T23:02:00.002-04:00

I just spent an unacceptable amount of time on facebook. This must change.

When there are things to do like paint my nails, take a shower, and set out the dress and heels I have to wear in the morning. I forgot to mention SLEEP. I don't do much of that these days. Here I go.

My Life This Week

2008-09-04T01:19:00.005-04:00

So Tricia [my stunning roommate and best friend since 10th grade, for those of you unaware] and I were at Publix for a little late night grocery shopping yesterday. As I am meandering around the grapes and cherries, I hear, "Oh my gosh! What happened!?" from a random boy near the bread aisle. I mean, I know she has this massive knee brace on, but I had to just stare at this going on. After she explained about her knee surgery, he proceded to tell several stories of his own injuries. She politely nods and smiles at all the right places while I am trying not to laugh out loud at her being stuck between the bread and the fruit with a nice boy who is clearly interested in prolonging the conversation. So maybe it is not as funny as it was at the time...hey. I enjoyed it. She was awkward.

Ok. Christmas. I am SO pumped about it coming soon. Ish.

Um...E...about that...my 'e' key fell off of my laptop yesterday. It's pretty annoying. No, not 'z', not even 'b'. E. One of the most used vowels. However, I'm getting pretty good at pressing the little circle in the middle of what used to be the key.

Last weekend was Meredy's bachelorette weekend. Lots of driving to Florida and back, but no major hits from the hurricane. The waves came up super close to the hotel, but other than that, no rain and only a bit of wind. Fun times with Trum's sisters and all the rest of the bridesmaids. It wasn't until later this week when I was discussing martini mashed potatoes that it REALLY hit she is getting married in a month. Forever. And Ever.

This Saturday I am in Lindsay's wedding. INSANE. It's starting. My friends are getting married. Missing class Friday for the luncheon and Rehearsal affair. Heels three times in two days! That's intense. But I so look forward to the festivities and seeing friends from a few years ago.

Ok. Got to finish packing. Getting dirty clothes together to wash at home because our dryer is broken. Hey! I finally have sheets on my bed. After two weeks...Clay said I was dirty, but think that is more busy/lazy than dirty. Anna helped me.

Right. Bedtime. Past bedtime, actually. Sweet dreams of Jesus...

Epic

2008-08-28T01:09:00.002-04:00

Epic thing are so great. Like soundtracks. Or just music in general. With all the rain, it has been so great to listen to epic piano music and walk around seeing the campus in a more significant light. Things mean more with epic music and rain, I think. Or at least in my head. Perhaps I should make posts when my brain is a little more pulled together.
Really, what business do I have writing this at all when I should be reading accounting? I think the answer is none. However...I am so glad I went to Wesley tonight. The Presence of the Lord is so sweet. And the Word of the Lord.
I want more. Always more. I want to be ruined by the Potter and rebuilt into something better. More beautiful and perfect. Intensely better than it ever would have been otherwise. Ruin me for anything else but You. Ruin me for anything but perfect love and fellowship with the Spirit.
With that, it is bedtime.

Life is Good

2008-08-25T22:34:00.002-04:00

Scarring childhood experiences in school. Problems with state universities. The interesting things of which Apartment 60 speaks. How I love good atmospheres. Good Music. Smell-good candles. Comfy couches. About to play my guitar. I truly love being in my apartment this semester. And living with these girls. I think I will go fully enjoy this evening.

Boo on Fitting Rooms

2008-08-24T00:27:00.002-04:00

Got fitted for a bridesmaid dress today. What if boys had to get measured according to size for their man parts, too. I mean, not to be raunchy, but I just about had a fit this morning[the kind inside my head, that is], wishing I was made differently. Anyhow. Enough on that.
Right when I woke up today, and lies and accusations started coming at me. Not exactly a surprise, but the shocker was even though I was still half asleep, Jesus granted me the grace and clarity to refute them right then and not even let them bother me. What a beautiful thing! I expect too little from our Majestic and Loving God, I think. Rather, I know. So here's to expecting GREAT things for my dreams and the day tomorrow...

Great Story

2008-08-23T01:04:00.002-04:00

Ok so I was plucking my eyebrows this evening once I got home--as in family home. In Mom's bathroom. Leaning over the counter precariously. Without paying attention, I procede to jam an incense stick up my nose as I bend to get a better angle for lighting to see spare hairs. I bled. Not much, but I made myself bleed by putting my nose on a stick.
Really, Kelly?

Another Day Another Year

2008-08-22T16:33:00.002-04:00

Well, hey. Senior year has begun. And the first week is over. I am old!! But not really.

How about Accounting? Woof. Families, The Older Years, and Disablities. Nice.
I really love our new couch. It makes the whole room very homey. The different look and feel is good. New year. New fall. New outlook. New start.
This year will be different. Veeerrry different.

So let's go...

Class Skipping

2008-04-21T13:13:00.003-04:00

Well, man. Two days in a row. That hasn't happened in about 2 years.

So I am skipping class right now. And I always have a moral delimma (sp?) in these situations...
am I dishonoring God? Not giving Him the full glory? Or since I can get slides and notes and pretty easily do well on the test, is it not so bad...
I don't know. The idea behind skipping was to take a nap and then talk with Jesus and then make some bread before going to chapter.
My brother is going to give me a hard time tonight at dinner if it comes up...

Bad or no, the choice is made, at least for the first class. And if I go to sleep, for the second one too.

There is a jazz festival this weekend that I am working for my externship. It's a little nerve-wracking because I am the point person for the part of the festival on campus. And need to know everything that's going on, where everything is, know how to fill in any position if need be, tell all the schools and students and directors what is going on...and I just hope I remember everything. All day Friday and Saturday.

But for now, just a few thoughts on Deuteronomy 15. Heard a talk about the freeing of servants the other week...and this morning read about it. Jesus set me free. He has broken my chains and let me go, but because of my love for Him, my devotion to Him, I choose to become his slave--servant, if you will. Hm. Might chew on that for awhile. Then nap time...
(hey, at least if I am skipping class I will be hanging out with Jesus and reading the Word...right? )

Just an Ordinary Day

2008-04-20T23:33:00.003-04:00

So. My sister is getting married in the fall. And my brother is moving to Chattanooga for the next 5 years or so.
Life is changing! Yikes. Exciting, but kind of surreal.
Next year I will be an almost senior.

Learning about Iran from my roommate. (Her mom is Iranian. Or Persian, they say.)

Only two and a half weeks til exams are done. Crazy.
Last week I sent the longest email of my life, I think, to a friend/mentor. Just relaying life in the past 9 months or so. It was really odd to write it all out. I don't think I had done that yet. It was good. Cathartic. (sp?)

Sometimes I wonder if I will be a bad mom. CLEARLY I can't handle the kids in Upstreet. As was evidenced again today. But surely your own are different...surely they listen more. And I think I can count on having less than 17 kids. Fourteen of them being boys. If I were a 4th grade boy, what would go through my mind...Buzzy said to flirt. Little boys listen when they have a crush. Buuut. I'm not good at flirting with boys my own age, much less little guys. And I kind of have an inherent problem with that...
I am really looking forward to dressing up tomorrow. Dress from Selfridge's and shiny black heels. Hopefully the shoes won't pinch since it's just a late afternoon/evening kind of deal. Dinner with the fam! Everyone but Dad. Sad. It's Mere's 24th on Tuesday.

It is late, and Lotte Berk is calling. Along with a shower.
Adieu

Prodigal

2008-02-29T01:07:00.003-05:00

You know how you should have a goal, a statement to guide a paper or project? Well I am just going to go with it and then see what it's about.

The good news is the neighbors aren't having a party tonight. And I can sleep in. The bad news is I am breaking out and have formal tomorrow. And the neighbors ARE playing guitar hero.

And Satan keeps getting me. Again and again. All in the head. The attitude. The mood. Right after an amazing time of worship too. Well. It was a different kind of amazing. Not an I'm-sensing-God's-Presence-really-closely kind of amazing. But an abandon in singing. Like even if I wasn't meditating on every word, just singing with all within me was a kind of worship in itself.

But let's back up. If those are the bad news, then I am doing pretty well I would say. Because the Good news is better than any bad news. Jesus loves me wildy. Like the Father loves the ragamuffin scoundrel of a son with such ridiculously embarassing intensity.

I wish I could paint. Because I don't feel like words do this picture, this idea I glimpsed tonight, justice.

Great Love

2008-02-18T02:54:00.003-05:00

Oh, love. Great Love. Just five posts ago, I was at the New Year from last year. And now it is almost my birthday and another year has flown by.
Now it is 3AM and I have yet to take a shower and go to sleep. February 18. Oh, the lessons Love can teach you if you only ask. And sometimes when you don't.
I want the Great Love to overwhelm me before I get caught up in lesser loves.
I want to learn to love extravagantly. Embarassingly. Relentlessly.
Never this moderate love I so often settle for.
I choose Victory. I choose Freedom. I choose Love. I choose Truth. I choose Jesus.

Christmas Wish List

2007-12-09T23:51:00.000-05:00

It's Christmas. The lights are out downtown, making it look like a wonderland where fireflies are always twinkling above. Christmas music, complete with All I Want For Christmas Is You and O Holy Night. Things are on the upswing. I think.
But let's see. What a semester it has been. An emotional breakdown, some very dark days. er, weeks. So much confusion and apathy in my heart and head and body. Stress. Believing in lies. Awakening to the fact I have drifted from the Truth. Trying to find my way back. A stupid crush. Then getting over it. Another crush I am trying to stamp out. Trying to fall back in love with Jesus. The passionate love. Not the decision love. But is the decision love so bad? I don't really know...
Where is life taking me. When can I see Your face again. When can I hear You speak and see You move. When will I think of those things more than myself. More than my here and now. When will it be Real to me again. When will You be Real to me again.
Yes, perhaps on the upswing, but just up from the valley and still in the desert. All I want for Christmas is You...

Call me Grace

2007-07-18T01:30:00.000-04:00

I tripped a whole lot in England. Or ran into things. And my suitcases (yes, 's', i'm ashamed to admit) were SO awkward, particularly having to carry one of them everywhere and on and off trains all the time. So Caitlin told me she was going to call me Grace. Which is really a fantastic idea, seeing as the topic I wanted to study at L'Abri was grace. (see www.labri.org for an explanation of what it is...we were at the English one...)
When I left, I realized I don't really get grace. There is still much un-grace in me, and some things that are hard to swallow. So I wanted to learn about it and hopefully experience it in a new and fresh way. Which happened to some extent. But today I realized I came away with more questions than when I started. THere were some incredibly intelligent and intellectual people there, and while i once would have said i lean more towards that, again and again i came to the realization that i like things simple. yes, ask questions. yes, pursue knowledge. but really, at the end of the day, Jesus lived and died and lives again so I can Live and be brought back to glory. So He can get all glory. He loves. So I am to love. I might be missing something here, but I am pretty confident that Love and Glory and Life are what it is all about. so i found myself frustrated sometimes with the debates covering intricacies of God's power or His plan, when really, a lot of it is just guesswork on the part of humanity. More power to you to work those things out, and to care deeply about them, but I realized that for me, I am ok with not understanding every detail or knowing how exactly He pulls it off, whatever 'it' is.
Even saying that makes me feel labelled as ignorant or lazy or emotionally based, but time and time again, it was the conclusion i came to. er...to which i came. So here I am, back at home, and I know I still don't have this quite worked out, but I think I am ok with the extravagant grace of God. I don't realize its extent or the depth of my fall far too often, but I think I can accept the fact that He is ultimately gracious and even though I WILL mess up, He WILL always have grace to cover it. My problem is grace and people.
I am coming to find that one of my biggest fears is ungrace from others. I have always convinced myself that if i mess up, or say something hurtful or do something wrong, I will not and cannot be forgiven. I know that in God's economy, we are to forgive, but I think the cynical part of me knows that that is not exactly how things go much of the time. So i suppose I sell everyone short, assuming if i mess up I don't get a second chance or clean slate or we can't be friends anymore. But how does that work? I have never really had to receive extravagant grace from a human before...always the rule-follower and do gooder and 'perfect' student, child, friend, whatever; but i'm not sure where along the way wanting to do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing became having to do the right thing because anything less is unacceptable. Or have I ever done the right thing just because it's right?
WAit. I read that, and even now, my thought process is all wrong. When did I stop doing good because it is the right thing to do, and start doing it because of love? love for those around me, love for Jesus? And those selected acts of love...will they ever ALL be love-based? BUt i WILL mess up. How can I deal with this fear of not being forgiven by men? Because I might not always. Yikes. My head hurts...and it is now 7 AM London time...and I want nothing more than to go to sleep. Big questions that might change my life. But Jesus will hold me as I sleep.

THIS is Living

2007-07-18T01:02:00.000-04:00

Man, what a trip. Let's point out a few highlights: flying a kite that picks you up on the windy beach; staying with a fantastic family who knows how to LIVE and love each other; laughing a LOT; the English countryside; living at an ancient, gorgeous manor house, complete with gorgeous grounds; discovering i like cider; walking two miles in the pouring down rain in the dark; being a groupie at Nathan and Michael's improvised performances; lunch discussions; living with people from all over the world, including little 3 year old Sam who stole my heart with his precious accent and rambunctious antics; singing to Caitlin and Katherine; playing the few songs i know on a traveling guitar in the foyer for whoever was out there; asking questions; hearing other peoples' questions; learning to stretch my mind and go outside my comfort zone; watching John and Wendy love each other still after many many years; brilliant minds thinking of things that have never crossed mine; amazing friends and wonderful, crazy mothers; really attractive men in pin-striped suits riding their bicicles; imagining C.S. Lewis walking the streets of Oxford; buying a Fairy tale Princess book at Blackwell's; feeling like a princess at high tea at Harrod's; watching Harry Potter in London; sitting in Covent Garden, drinking cider and listening to a good musician play fantastic music on his acoustic on the street; going to Hillsong; great food and too many desserts. and that's just off the top of my head.
not to mention falling down the stairs with my suitcase, losing my fleece, hurting my foot on the trampoline, breaking the wheel off of my suitcase the first day, losing my fleece, and being somewhat sick the whole time. really though, it looks to me like the good FAR outweighs the inconvenient or painful. it was brilliant.

ok i'm feeling a need for a new post for a new format...

Greater

2007-05-07T11:14:00.000-04:00

Some of the best news I have heard in a long time.

God is greater than your heart, and He knows everything.
I John 3:20b

Greater than my wayward heart. Greater than every emotion. Greater than where I am or where I will be. Greater. God is greater.

A New Year!

2007-01-06T12:00:00.000-05:00

A month and a half later...
It is a new year! Last year was...interesting. Very interesting. And good. But difficult, as most years are in some way or another. Passion 07 has come and gone, and it was great. It was no spiritual high or idealistic time with Jesus. It was great, and I learned a lot, but some of the time, my heart was strangely unmoved. But God is GREAT. And He is Good. My prayer life and my walking in the Spirit need some serious tune-ups, so I am in process of re-aligning my thinking and my heart and my spirit towards God and the constant friendship and communion and awareness I have had with Him before, and long to have again to a greater degree. A new year, indeed.
One of the very cool things that Jesus gave me during the conference was one specific morning of worship. It was so Refreshing, so True, so Real. When Charlie Hall led the song Here is Our King, Isaiah 43:18-19 popped into my head:
"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland."
He is doing a new thing. A new season of life. A new lesson to be learned. New year. New thing.

A few thoughts

2006-11-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

It's been a long long time. I should be working on my Portfolio that is due tomorrow, but I just wanted to write some things out. Yesterday, it occurred to me that I usually associate intellectual people with pride, sarcasm, and a disconnect between head and heart. This is odd, because I think I am somewhat intellectual. And one of my favorite things is stimulating and deep conversation. But because of a few brilliant people who have more often than not proven themselves to be impatient and slightly prideful and not understanding, I guess somewhere in my subconcious, I related the two spheres. As a result, it makes me slightly terrified of getting close to really intellectual people. Trish pointed out that the things that scare or intimidate me are true of myself also, and therefore kind of silly. Understandable, but without true basis. And she also pointed out that discounting anyone for assumption of how they will live out the philosophies and ideas is like those that don't even search out Christianity because they are turned off by Christians. One is not necessarily the other.
And another thing. Is character inherent? Or is it only a reaction to the people and things we surround ourselves with? What if it is both? What if it is different things that are always there inside us, but they come out in different situations. I don't know.
It seems I am perpetually waiting these days. Waiting to see what will happen, where I will be, what I will do, how things will turn out. The story of my life: awkwardness, different-ness, and waiting.

marvelous quotes.

2006-10-30T21:56:00.000-05:00

"God's love is the ground. His glory is the goal.
Why is this important? It's important because unless we understand this, we will not know what love really is. The love of God is not God's making much of us, but God's saving us from self-centered sin so that we can enjoy making much of Him forever. And our love to others is not our making much of them, but our helping them to find eternal satisfaction in making much of God. The only ultimate love is a love that aims at satisfying people in the glory of God. Any love that terminates on man is eventually destructive. It does not lead a person to the only lasting joy, namely, God. Love must be God-centered or it is not the greatest love; it leaves people without their deepest need and only hope"
john piper

A Franciscan Benediction:
May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart. May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom, and peace. May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain to joy. And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

.

2006-10-18T00:21:00.000-04:00

i am not sure what i think about anything right now. it's all kind of hazy. like the sky outside tonight. Jesus is good. He is enough. He is pursuing me; He is faithful. but that is about all i know.

Brain Food

2006-10-08T21:02:00.000-04:00

so it's been a while. i was thinking on my car ride home today, that i have gotten dumber. less intelligent, if you will. while i love people, and i love learning about them and loving them and learning about all the things i am learning about, i feel like i haven't really stretched my brain in a while. like some good intellectual stuff. i have not been forced to learn and practice math or science lately, nor have i had to read any particularly scintilating books(sp?). so i think i am off to curl up in a corner at jittery joe's or somewhere to read a good CS Lewis. i think Miracles. i should be studying for nutrition. oh well.
and a sidenote...sometimes i really suck at this no fear thing. often.

NO FEAR (oh the nike commercials...)

2006-09-17T14:59:00.000-04:00

soo. a lot has been going on in my life lately. And yet nothing...
I am in the long and arduous process of learning to live without fear. not in its shadow, not letting it hold me back, not letting it keep me from living and BEing.
no thing, no person, no assumption, no ministry, no organization, no odds, no fear. i will never live and do and be what i was made to do and be if i always assume i am not good enough or pretty enough or competent or useful or skilled in any way.
CONFIDENCE. that is the word of the day. or the year(s). so dog-gone it, i will try out. and i will ask someone to the Red Rose Ball. and i will befriend any and all, even when they don't want me to. i will chase my dreams and Jesus' face whatever that means, however stupid i have to look or humble i have to be made. i will smile, because it is me and Jesus, and what else do i need? i will love, because i can't help but overflow the flood in me. i will dance because i can't help but move with music all around me.
you know, at one point, i thought i was doing these things. and i look back now and see how much futher i can go, how much truer it should be. so someday, i am sure i will look back on where i am headed now, and see how much further i can go and how much truer it should be. i guess that's just the thing they call LIFE.

New

2006-09-09T23:49:00.000-04:00

New. Real. Fresh. Smiling. I am happy about this...

I am Yours
and You are mine

that's all I need
it's all I'm after

to live in Your embrace
to walk hand in hand
and heart in heart

with a smile on my face

let this Daughter's Love
reap the Father's Joy

let these open hands find
freedom
let this terrified heart find
wings

in Your embrace

First Football Game...

2006-09-02T15:26:00.000-04:00

yay it's a new month! there is something so satisfying about tearing a sheet off of the calender knowing that all the writing on it is over with. it is labor day weekend, and we destroyed western kentucky this afternoon. it was BLAZING hot, and i smell. very bad. there's lots of work to be done this weekend, but i am excited about chilling by the lake too. off to take a shower and spend some more time with Jesus. a little rushed this morning...

A Song For the Broken (Really this time)

2006-08-22T23:31:00.000-04:00

Jesus. Sweet, sweet Jesus, please come in and make me new. Brand new. Why am i nauseous.

A Song for the Broken

This is a song
Just a song

How can I move with words,
or change with tears

This is a song--my simple song
My heart's cry for the broken to be healed

This is a prayer
A heartfelt prayer

For you to feel the
Heaven Maker's embrace

And when you don't--
still, know He's there
I'm begging you to trust
the arms of grace

This is your Healer, your Defender, your Spacious Place
He longs to hold you, to mend you, to wipe your face
And when the darkness seems to swallow all the light
He finds lost pieces strewn in corners from the fight

I cannot calm your worries, stay your fears,
take your pain or stop your tears

All I have is a song--my simple song
My heart's cry for the broken to be healed

a song for the broken...mabye i will write one someday

2006-08-19T23:58:00.000-04:00

so here i am, in lind's posh little cottage, using her posh new ibook. i feel very up on things. i like her computer. it is nice. anyway.
i am SO excited about getting opportunities to invest in and love on the new girls in aopi. and just people in general this year. hopefully i will open up my eyes and SEE the opportunities around me, and also be active in initiating new ones. looking into some right now. hopefully they will work out. newfound passion for singing over the broken. somehow, both here and all over the world, over all kinds of people. especially little ones. just broken people. because i know i can't make things better. i can't provide all they need. i can't make hurts go away. i can't make the sick ones better or the impoverished stable. i can't make people come back to life or hearts mend or right wrongs. but i can sing them a song. i can maybe make them forget for awhile, or even better, make them see something bigger and better and comfort their hearts a tad.
ok the battery is dying. adios friends.

Round one, Day one

2006-08-11T13:01:00.000-04:00

just a quick check-in...in the middle of the first day of round one of rush...excuse me, 'Recruitment'. it really hasn't been so bad thus far. except the grading part. that's...weird. and it feels wrong. these are all precious hearts and i don't want to crush them. ok...i am super tired and going to lay down a bit before we have change back into our dresses and the lunch break is over. it's kind of silly, but there is this girl i am tagging (talking to) in one of these first rounds after lunch, and i am nervous. i know her already, but i think somewhere in my head i'm like, what if she doesn't like me so she doesn't like all of us? silliness. i am THE LORD'S. He is mighty and sufficient. I really don't know how i got in from all i have seen and heard...i am quiet, esp around strangers, and those girls don't do as well. just listening to my group talk about the girls they have rushed, and if they say, she's so sweet, but she's really quiet...i mean. really. it's a miracle. i think there might be some kind of underlying issue i need to deal with here. ANYWAY. not looking forward to putting back on those high heels...
'Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus'
I Thessalonians 5 16-18

RUSH!

2006-08-06T18:37:00.000-04:00

it is almost here...yikes. it is some kind of intense singing and chanting and smiling and talking and dressing up. it is a challenge for me, you might say, since not all of those things are at the top of my list. but it is an exercise to do things for Jesus and with JOY and a good attitude. it is long days and petty details. crazy stuff. actually i have to go off and finish decorating our door and our room...yet another thing to do with excellence even when it seems silly, i suppose...
ps. i find myself becoming more shallow, as we look at all these girls, and the only thing we can tell about them is on paper--what they do and what they look like. and if she's cute, almost automatically everyone likes her. i mean, me included. and i caught myself thinking that way. i was like, whoa, kelly, why don't you be more shallow? ok. really need to go now. pearl painted letters and green seersucker calls...

Light...?

2006-08-04T00:42:00.000-04:00

finally back in athens. and it is SO weird. this year is already so different from the last. besides living in the AOPi house. [imean really? is it really necessary keep on switching the light on and off, or whatever that clicking noise is? REVELATION: it is the staple gun. we are supposed to decorate our doors. necessary, i suppose, but still a bit unnerving.]
i read a quote that is on my bulletin board at home the other day, and it was such a good reminder. something like, 'do not pray for tasks equal to your strength, but pray for strength equal to your tasks' then it ended with something i can't remember, but it made the point that by the strength in us that is not ours, we ourselves are a miracle. i am not sure i could feel more inadequate or unwise or young or little. ok, so i'm sure i could. but. either way, i think it is a wonderful place to be, because then i can't do anything to mess up what He will.
while writing a comment on someone else's blog just a few minutes ago, something came out that had to be from Jesus. i said i'd really rather be blinded by the light than by darkness. and that's kind of what it is like, i think. [humor me...it might be a stretch...] i would rather feel in the dark in the midst of His splendor that be bumbling around. when i am blinded by light, sometimes i am incapacitated because i see things as they are. ok i am done. beginning to make no sense i think.

Schindler's List

2006-07-30T23:15:00.000-04:00

what raw brutality. how inconceivable and yet true that humanity is capable of such atrocities. the beautiful little children driven away in vans never to be seen again. people packed onto box-cars like cattle. the old, disabled, or unfortunate discarded. one man trying to make a difference. and he did. or his story would not be remembered and told.

Clive Staples

2006-07-25T12:16:00.000-04:00

CS Lewis is amazing. i am fascinated by the concept of stories. Stories have this way of telling more truth than reality. Kind of like Jesus' parables. Somehow by making the time and place apart from reality, it can be anyone. It can be personalized. Vague causes us to see more clearly and fiction teaches a level of truth, of life lessons learned, that it is hard to convey otherwise. Of course I am not speaking of the the Word of God, but the words of men. Example...Chronicles of Narnia [if you haven't already, i highly suggest you read them all]...in reading those books, i feel i learned more, and gained more insight, than i have in reading purely instructional or informational books. Something about stories goes straight to our hearts. Maybe it helps us understand more of the things we can't see. The real live battle between good and evil, demons and angels. The fight for anything...for life, freedom, peace, joy. The qualities and character of God.
I mean, of course i'm not stuck in a tower or in imminent danger, but then again maybe i am. I have a hunch that what we call 'reality' is not really the whole picture of reality. what is really 'real' lasts forever. this world is not the reality in which we should live our lives. our ultimate reality lies in the unseen, which is unknown and fanciful to most people.
so i think i could think about that for a long time, and never really figure it out. so now that i have most likely confused you too, i must go. but it is pretty fascinating. to me, anyway. wrote a paper on that concept--of truth and fiction--for a class last year. it was pretty cool. pretty confusing, but my prof liked it. off to athens to move out mere...

Display Case

2006-07-20T01:37:00.000-04:00

An object on display
too fragile to touch; too valuable
to handle

Standing behing glass
streaked with prints from
reaching out

admired, talked of, praised
from a distance

a broken vessel set apart to fight,
instead set aside as a perfect portrait

no chance to let reality sink in
no chance to love and be loved
in all its intended beauty among imperfection

or have i simply missed it?

somehow use this, my heart's desire, for Yours
somehow multiply strength by inability
somehow rip away facades, real or perceived

as i clutch my bleeding heart, may the balm You spread
reach the hearts You would have me hold
shatter the glass as You extend my hand
cause eyes, hands, and hearts to gaze upwards no matter my stand

dust-gathering...or is it wool-gathering?

2006-07-20T01:15:00.000-04:00

soo. i was looking through some old stuff of mine underneath my desk in my room in that attempt to clean out my room (by mom's request...ahem, demand, of course) before returning to school and houseguests and such, and i ran across this notebook.
time out. do you ever catch yourself lying? like, just little little lies, about stuff that doesn't even matter? well i just did one of those. while trying to finish my sentence, it hit me, no, that is not what happened. although i was cleaning. and the notebooks were under my desk. but last night was a bit of a rough night, in a good way, i guess, and i wanted to look through all my old journals. and i didn't get through all of them, but the one i pulled out tonight is from a long time ago. kind of funny to think back to middle school. but this is what i wrote. and it might be embarassing, i'm not sure yet, but i think i still want it to be true. and i want to know, to think, and to wonder if it is any more true today than it was then.

i want to be known, not defined.
i want to be sought out, not just seen.
i want to stand out, and not just be a face in the crowd.
i want to be real, not shallow.
i want to be brave, not a coward.
i want to be understanding, not unhearing.
i want to shine. i want to glow.
i want to be loved as i have loved.
i want to to accept only the best from myself.
i want to be closer to You than ever before.
May i fall on my face before i am proud.
May i bite my tongue before gossip comes out of my mouth.
May i be rejected to know that You accept.
May i be unpretty to know i'm beautiful.
i want to be confident, not arrogant.
loving, not judgmental.
have the right motives, not secret plans.
i want to smile more. i need to smile more
i want to cry more. i need to cry more.
i want to be understood.
to know how others feel about me.
what i'm doing right
what i'm doing wrong.
i want to know who my friends are.
i want to be prized, but not a possession.
i want to receive, but not hoard.
i want to grow. i want to give all i have to those i love.
i want to be different. respected. trusted. sweet. kind. patient.
loved. humble. giving.
i truly want all these things and more.
i want to sing for You and not myself
for Your glory rather than mine
i am nothing. You are Everything.
i want to be content. to be radiant with joy.
to live every day to the fullest.
i want to be bold and unafraid.
to be guarded yet open
vulnerable yet in control of myself
i want to Dance.

and then i trail off into other things i won't go into at the moment. interesting.

Surrender

2006-07-16T00:29:00.000-04:00

Today I surrendered. Again. It was glorious. So freeing. I surrendered my dreams...my desires...my striving. Even if it's not in action, just in heart and thought, it can still be striving, you know? I surrendered my dreams to be pivotal and useful in ministry...my dreams to write and sing and draw to make a difference. I surrendered my desire to be known and admired and thought well of by people...people at school...people at church...those circles that have got things happening and are going places. I surrendered my striving for all of that. It is me and You. Me and the Creator of the universe. I think I can handle that. No need to depend on the humans I know. No need to depend on their friendship or opinion or good word. It is such a load off to stop worrying about it. Didn't even realize it was a part of me. Oh, but it was. [pause: sometimes i worry i will be too explicit...too specific in what i talk about or whom it might concern...that it won't be wise or appropriate...and i don't know if i am about to botch that. my apologies if i do] It all started from myspace...don't remember whose...and then clicks and and links later, a curious detached feeling. It kind of seems like I was invading on personal conversations and inside jokes. Looking in from the outside. Granted, I have been gone all summer, and I do not have a myspace...but just in the friendships made and sustained. So today I was tired of it all. The revelation hit me--that it is Him and me. Jesus and I, hanging out, making it through life and all the crap that comes with it. I gave up my deathgrip on the air and simply want to be. I got in my car and as I was driving through the pouring rain, the DCrowder song comes on, and he tells me that he is so bored of little gods and standing on the edge of something large...i give up, i lay down...so sweet this surrender. So i realize that the pouring--the massive flooding--of the streets and cleansing of my car was just a little way to show His love. I wanted to drown in it.
Now, yes, i still wish these thing would happen, but I let go of them. So now maybe Jesus can actually do more in and around me than when I was holding on so tightly. Also, there is the need to not go overboard and simply trust no one and deem all humanity undependable. Which is actually kind of tempting at the moment. But unnecessary and plain wrong too. Oh, the balance. I am tired of trying to throw my heart out there.
Jesus, do Your work in me. Let me take every opportunity You give me, yet not worry or coerce things into place. Do what You will with these. I can only be what I am, and I can only do what You enable me to do...no more, no less. Keep this surrender fresh in my mind always. I won't let my desires or anyone elses steal my joy and make me continually under par. I really need You to back that statement...

very tired. inside.

2006-07-05T15:43:00.000-04:00

this morning was quite the exhausting and unexpected event. who knew it would come up and she would go there...that she would challenge me and probe and confront and offer advice and be all wise and bold and stuff. wasn't really expecting it at all. many tears shed. many remembered wrongs and hurts. i forgot about them all while in russia, and even before that at school. maybe let it go some? ah, the Lord has His work cut out for Him in me, that's for sure. recently, i keep realizing, more and more, how far i have to go...how long it will take...how little i know and how much i have to learn and grow. it's remarkable really. and i miss lindsay! so much. i know she is learning and growing and struggling and having the time of her life in Africa.
sometimes it is so exhausting to actually verbalize my thoughts. it makes me tired just thinking about trying to put words to ALL the ideas and thoughts and reactions and opinions rolling around in there. and it is so so comforting to know that Jesus knows them all already. even the ones i don't quite know are there. and suddenly, i am very tired and not wanting to express these things anymore.

home

2006-06-30T19:46:00.000-04:00

well...i am home at last. getting more normal all the time. it is still kind of weird though. everything is the same, but everything is different. no time to expound at the moment, but hey. i just need Jesus. don't we all?

Moscow

2006-06-20T05:32:00.000-04:00

Everything but right now
and one hour ago seems so distant

my mind goes places i wish it wouldn't
and i pray my heart does not follow

at least as my stomach increases
so does my view of Your face

cleanliness is not an option
outside of the shower and our souls

learning daily about babies and boldness

kareokee down the alley
singing us drunken Russian lullabies

strip club down the stairs
and prostitutes up the elevator

gather my thoughts, he says
what are my thoughts?

time has flown and crawled
my heart has soared and been dragged
through the mud puddles we sidestep
every day

a piece of this dirty, bustling
city is in my heart forever

it reeks of humanity and beauty;
lost searching, striving souls

the Sun is coming up in Moscow;
the winterland of Russia is melting to
show the potential for life beneath.

countdown...

2006-06-20T05:16:00.000-04:00

we leave in less than a week! so crazy to think i am almost done with the adventure in Moscow. two more days of class. tonight the girls are going to a kafe for dinner and some extended talking time. the guys are going to the bana again...like a sauna type deal...boys and their naked time...and watching gladiator. tomorrow is our team shindig and we'll share all we learned and eat and have LOTS of fun. we are fun people:) Ashley leaves thursday and we'll have our last english club...friday is debriefing...saturday is saying goodbye to our russian friends and going to the ismaliada park (really, i have no idea how you spell that) for souveniers and sunday is packing! off to the airport at about 4 monday morning with a layover in frankfurt. i actually might be able to meet my dad for breakfast in germany! that's exciting. he has a layover there for 2 days and said it might work out. haven't seen him in a while. and i don't know when i will see him again. (ps he is a pilot). i think i need to apologize ahead of time for any impatience or frustration on my part when i get back home. a few minutes ago, ash and i were talking about it, and i think it might be kind of a difficult transition back into the American culture or materialism and indifference. or maybe it will be easy, sadly enough. but i DO think it will be hard to some degree, to go from living over here literally to tell people about Jesus and live for Him, and go back to so many things that are unimportant yet so many think they are vital. so i need to find a balance, maybe. but i guess it's not like we've been in Africa with NOTHING. Russia is definitely a culture obssessed with appearance, but we kind of stick out anyway. actually, sidenote, apparently i look like a Russian. a few of our friends here have told me that. not sure what to do with that. just say cool, i guess. ok. i think i might post a little something i wrote just to remind me of what it is like here, the good, bad and ugly.

Love

2006-06-15T11:57:00.000-04:00

Christ glorified and the body unified
in the most excellent way

loving truly and fully only in
understanding the fullness of Your love

a love that doesn't fail, doesn't rest,
doesn't quit

that loves the ugly, imperfect
and indifferent with passion and perseverance

that pursues retreating figures
and vanishing backsides

that knocks on closed doors and
hurdles stone walls before breaking
them down from the inside

trust and hope on the darkest of nights
glory for heartbreak

from perfect Fathe to fellow beggar
let this love flood out of my God-sized holes
and seep into the cracks of broken lives

Glory

2006-06-15T11:54:00.000-04:00

living, breathing, walking, weeping
it's for Your glory
at school, at home, half the world away
it's for Your glory
blistered in Red Square, lying in my bed
it's for Your glory
every moment, each breath to the next
it's for Your glory
when i'm tired and lost
when i'm afraid and even more afraid to cry
let me remember it's for Your glory

that's why i am here
Moscow, Russia and planet Earth

it's why i can feel my heartbeat
through my teddy bear
it's why i will wake up in the morning

i want my mist to matter
and You want it even more

in You, for You, by You
that's what i am

War

2006-06-15T11:50:00.000-04:00

It's a fighting kind of day
warring on my knees and in my heart
a battle for truth and peace

With divine power to demolish strongholds
weapons not of this world
tearing down walls, banishing lies
freeing captives and binding wounds

fighting for hearts, fighting for light,
fighting for love

freedom from the prison of your mind
freedom from the past
freedom to be who you're made to be
freedom to rest in His arms

even when i don't know how,
my spirit is fighting.
Satan will not win the war nor the battle today

at the end of it all, tired and bloodied,
together, we'll stand

Unthinkable Invitation

2006-06-13T06:19:00.000-04:00

soo weird. we have less than 2 weeks left of our trip. ok random plug...if you ever get the chance, i INSIST you listen to Unthinkable Invitation from Louie Giglio at 722. i mean wow. i listened to it last night for the 2nd or 3rd time, and every time, it hits home. all too often i am flat-out indifferent to the affection of the God of the universe, Who is in RELENTLESS pursuit of my heart. i mean wow. He wants to hang out...to come into my world, wherever i am, whatever i am doing...just to come in and be a part. and it is so ironic that i don't realize that when i am sitting here trying to take part in His big Story. He wants to be a part of my every day life--getting coffee, riding the metro, driving my car, interacting with my team, my family, strangers--as i am a part of what He is doing in my world and in the world. How amazing. How humbling. What an invitation. So right now, we are hanging out at the internet kafe at novasloboskaya. I can't even tell you what a difference it makes simply to be aware of His Presence. i guess that is just kind of like walking in the Spirit. so the fruit comes out from who knows where, and there's love joy peace patience kindness goodness gentleness faithfulness and self control. crazy how that works. now if only i could do that all the time...

Foreign

2006-06-05T06:48:00.000-04:00

Foreign tongues singing me to sleep
Foreign language impossible to read
Foreign purpose makes me fall to my knees

Alpha and Omega, today, yesterday and
forever the same
Be God of this land and God of my heart.
Do not be foreign here.

for Him

2006-06-05T06:27:00.000-04:00

while my family is most certainly NOT perfect, i am really glad my mom and dad have raised us all to be...shall we say...not high-maintenence? it really has helped me so SO much with adjusting to this different culture and surroundings. despite no hot water and dusty rooms and rotting mattresses and insane pollution, Russia, or Moscow, rather, is becoming normal to me. and i guess it should 3 weeks into the trip. CRAZY. almost half way over. we are taking a train to St. Petersburg this upcoming weekend. i have heard it is absolutely BEAUTIFUL...gateway to Western Europe. ok well i am off to try and call my mom and some others. another week of ministry and stretching and growing other kinds of God activities. and another thing...the other day i really realized that I exist for God. i am halfway across the world to tell people about Jesus. i live and breathe solely for Him and because of Him. i mean i have always heard that and known that, but the other day, it really hit me. yeah. the breath i just took was for and because of Jesus. and the next, and the next hour and the next day, and week and month and year. hopefully i will keep on realizing it more fully, day after day, whether in Moscow or Athens or Cumming. ok really going now. paka friends.

the most excellent way

2006-05-31T07:18:00.000-04:00

it has been a little while! i don't have long now...but wow, God is up to something. and so is Satan. but i am so glad to say that we win!
this morning i was reading Corinthians 13, the famed love chapter, and realized--like, truly realized--how important love is. it is the most excellent way. the very best way to live and learn...to love. the best way to unify the body, and all it's parts, like in chapter 12....to love. the best way to show others Who we belong to and to bring Him glory...to love. the best way to rejoice and to suffer with others in the body...to love. love brings life to all other gifts. and not just any love. agape love. love is patient. love is kind. it does not envy. it does not boast. it is not proud. it is not rude. it is not self-seeking. it does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. it keeps NO record of wrongs. it ALWAYS protects. it ALWAYS trusts. it ALWAYS hopes. it ALWAYS perseveres. Love never fails. and i want to love that way. i want to live like that, and to learn the very best way to live. the most excellent way.

um...

2006-05-25T07:48:00.000-04:00

well hey. life in moscow is getting a little more normal. i'm a little scattered today...talking to some girls while typing. making peanut butter cookies...yum. ok. this might be hopeless. can't gather my thoughts. we have english club tonight...so that should be interesting. had a revelation last night...er...two nights ago. it was a good thing to realize. but i will talk about that later. ok...i'm off to eat cookie dough! paka...(that's good bye)

Moscow...

2006-05-20T10:53:00.000-04:00

well i've only got a few minutes before my time runs out on here...Moscow is...i don't know, come see for yourself. it is BIG. the people are quiet. it is busy. it is dirty. it is beautiful. the language is REALLY hard to pick up. i mean, it's a different alphabet, for crying out loud. i am really tired STILL. wish i wasn't. but. i know both God and Satan are up to something here. there's some crazy warfare, some amazing opportunities. I guess if i could ask for prayer from any of you, i would ask for energy, for overflowing joy and peace to love these people. for boldness and courage to talk to them. for wisdom and understanding of the people and their culture and language. i don't want to shrivel up inside. i am staying in the Word, but i need to be constantly aware of the Lord's persistent and relentless pursuit of my heart, whether in the hostel, on the metro, at the university, or walking down the street. both with my team, with the stint team, and the Russians. i want to learn how to love. i want to learn how to sing here. with my life, with my heart, and with my mouth. i am tired. and i can't go to bed for a long time! it's 8 hours ahead of eastern standard time. anyway. only 4 minutes to go on my time. blessings to you.

my addled brain

2006-05-12T23:46:00.000-04:00

well it's the night before the last night i will have my computer. and my bag is mostly packed...minus a few essentials for the four days before travel.
the beauty of blogs is that it's like i am talking to everyone, and yet no one, the same time. random. anyway.
i'm not sure i have interesting or profound things to say tonight. most of the things that come to mind would probably best go unspoken. here, that is.
i'm not sure how i did it in highschool. the last four days i have had to get up kind of early. like two of them were truly early, and the other two, i am a pansy. but then i every night i don't get to sleep before 2 or 3(my fault). and it is KILLING me. like, i am officially an old person. after shopping with my mom today for things i needed, i wandered around the parking lot looking for my car for like, 10 minutes. no joke. i was so baffled. so when my mom offers to drive me around the parking lot to look for it, not 5 seconds later, do we pass it on the left, in fairly plain view. i think i've lost my marbles. and i'm not sure if it's a good thing to be so tired BEFORE traveling and adjusting and culture shocking, or if it is not so bad because i'll be tired and confused in a few days anyway. either way, if you are the praying sort, i would not mind a few sent my way.
and the cycle perpetuates. i must get in the shower before going to sleep and waking up around 5 or 6 to go back to athens for my sister's graduation. yeah for her! ok off to get squeaky clean!...

Daddy's girl

2006-05-10T23:54:00.000-04:00

i cannot remember the last time i crawled into my daddy's lap and he tickled my back until i was almost asleep. it was a wonderful thing.
the LORD Almighty is Jehovah Rapha...He is our Healer. my Healer. it is amazing how far He has brought me. us. and i am convinced He won't stop now. as i was picking at the annoying flakes on my shins tonight from when i fried myself a couple of weeks ago, i realized that it is right where i have a huge faded scar up my entire shin from a couple of years ago. at the time, it was rather dramatic...essentially, i had to put gauze around my entire calf from just above my ankle to just below my knee. (cable wires are nasty things...i don't suggest falling off of them)
i was kind of afraid i would have a horrific scar forever. everyone said it would be a bad one, that it would not disappear. and it hasn't, completely. but i have to look at it from a certain angle in the light to see it. but it did go away. even though it gives me the weeby jeebies to remember scraping the wire up my shin, the pain and most of the evidence is gone. even though there's a lot of stuff--ugly, defeating, hurtful stuff--from not so long ago, Jehovah Rapha--Abba Father-- has taken most of the pain away, and the scar is fading. it might take a while to sort out truth and untruth, my natural tendencies and formed reactions and habits, the difference between silence and suffocation. it may yet be a while before i trust boy's hearts, and trust them with mine, before i can let someone pick up the pieces of my soul when it comes apart, before i can let myself receive and not just stubbornly, selfishly give. but. a while is not forever. and as long as i am on this earth, Jesus will keep making those scars fade farther and farther away. new wounds will come and He'll just start healing those too. and someday, some glorious day, standing before Him i will be in Him complete.

dad's home!

2006-05-10T22:08:00.000-04:00

i'm so glad you discovered you can comment:) it will be sure to make things more interesting.

so, my dad is home as of this morning. which is nice. and actually means i probably ought to go out there and spend time with him instead of sit in my room on my computer. perhaps i'll wow you with my intellect later but adios for now friends. (that is, if eagle husbands make your head dizzy...)

the blush

2006-05-10T01:36:00.000-04:00

what is with the blogging in pairs? geez, who does that...
so the time is QUICKLY approaching when i shall board a plane and fly away from here. far away. and tomorrow i am meeting...let's see...at least 5 people to say hello and catch up and say goodbye. crazy stuff. moved out of the brums today for good. again, crazy stuff. life has been full of some crazy stuff lately. perhaps too much to explain. and certainly too long for right now. but maybe one of these days i can articulate my thoughts well enough to put them down.
had a very funny conversation about kissing tonight. with a friend. she makes me laugh. another thing...what exactly triggers blushing? i mean, it's so terrible and embarassing. or maybe you blush because you're embarassed, and then are embarassed because you blushed, and it's a vicious cycle, spiraling downward in social skills. whoever wrote in those fairy tales and love storie that ' the deeper her blush, the more beautiful she became...' yeah, well, they are full of crap. there is nothing attractive about a red face and social awkwardness. the day some guy declares that 'it all started when you stammered and stuttered with incomplete sentences and a flaming face...'well. that will be the day. and what is with those people who see it and intentionally draw attention to it, therefore making it one hundred times worse? (yes, exactly one hundred times worse) i can't say anything. i have been that person before. and i'm sure i will be again. just a small venting session because i hate when i blush. which makes me a small pansy. oh well. can't win em all. (what?) time for bed. Jesus keep fighting for my heart. for it to be wholly and completely Yours. tear away my cynicism and coverings, and become my defender and strength.

unfolding

2006-05-05T01:52:00.000-04:00

recently someone remarked that i am very vulnerable and out there. i have a confession though. i really am not. for whatever reason, all my life, it has been so easy for me to express myself on paper. i can write what i am thinking and feeling and what most people would never say. and somehow that does NOT cross over into person to person interaction. even my best friends have to pry sometimes to get me to talk from my mind and soul. that is one of the things Jesus has been teaching and stretching me lately. on many different levels, it is something Jesus has been teaching me for over a year. unfolding. unfolding my hands to let Him have full reign. unfolding my dreams to let Him blow them out of the water. unfolding my wings so i can fly. unfolding my heart to love and be loved. unfolding my soul to receive as well as give. unfolding to Him and to others, be they family, strangers, friends, kindred spirits. still got a LONG way to go. but that's the beauty of it. He is so patient. so i'll keep trying and failing and trusting and trying again. if you get a chance, rip off a little of my shell. it will be good for me.
(i saw this pic my brother took and it sparked my comments...not a fan of up close pics.)

ty-fry, seth boy and miss meredith

2006-05-05T01:31:00.000-04:00

just one more final to go...incredible to think that a year has flown by. in a little over a week i will be half the world away. exciting. it is kind of weird, because i sit here and ask myself if i am scared or nervous, and i'm not. but i know it will be a really challenging time. kind of like a deep breath, eyes wide open thing. and lots of fun too.
little ones are so refreshing. there are these two boys my sister keeps a lot, and i always go visit and play. no matter what has happened that day, that week, that hour, they just make you laugh. they are precious. it is insane and wonderful to think that their biggest worries are whether i can catch them or they have to eat one more bite or picking a good spot for hide and go seek. somehow children just make me see God a little more clearly and see how i ought to be a lot more of the time. i could play with them all day. oh! brilliant idea. i will post a picture.
and now because i am retarded, i have to start a new post.

Matt Wertz [a-ha moment]

2006-04-26T13:57:00.000-04:00

Ok. So this is the very cool God lesson from the midst of the craziness previously mentioned.

Wertz introduced a song he wrote when his grandfather died, and as he was playing it, it looked like he was living in that moment again--the pain and loss right after his death. I guess you could try and say that musicians are just emotional and expressive when they perform anyway, but I am convinced that what he was singing was connecting with his heart and his memory. And then it hit me. It does not die. Music, lyrics, just Art in general. However long he waits to play a song about his grandfather, he will always be taken back to that time and place when he sings it. He will remember the feelings, remember the pain. Not necessarily live in it, or not be over it, but it will all come back.
Is this making sense? It is a very 'duh' thing, but it is one reason art is so important. For me, personally, it means that when I write songs or poems or whatever, when I draw, when I create, it captures a moment. Sometimes I can go back and look and remember exactly how I felt and what was going on when I did it. Others, it just takes me back to truth I have learned and forgotten, or to different parts of my heart or God's heart. But whatever I was trying to capture, or unintentionally set down, it is there. It does not die. In God's reign, His chunk of purpose--which really encompasses everything else--it is crucial. It's like He was saying, Kelly, this is true, and this is why I want to write music together. This is why I want to flow out of your pen, and onto the page, into the air. Because I made music and song and art this way, I can use it to capture My moments. I can use it to connect to your heart and all of those in the future. I mean, we sing songs from men of God from centuries ago. Who knows how long this earth will last, but for the first time, it clicked that God wants us to create for those who come behind us. Whatever 'creating' looks like for you. Hopefully this makes sense. I'm still rolling it around in my head and trying to figure out what exactly that means and why the Lord turned on the lightbulb in the first place. I am tired. But He has been my Warrior today, and I have been able to tell, and, in turn, fight for others' hearts. Jesus make Your words, Your heart, come alive in me and through me.

Matt Wertz [crazy happenings]

2006-04-26T13:27:00.000-04:00

I WISH YOU WERE HERE. Somehow when listening to music, the lyrics are all that go through my head. Sometimes.
Ok. Got to press pause. this will be a LONG one.
Matt Wertz. Before last night, I had never really listened to him much. I really like his stuff. You might ask why exactly Molly and I would drive to ATL to get to a concert at 10, and then drive back in the same night. I asked myself the same question about halfway there. And I don't really have an answer, but it was so worth it. It was good to get out of Athens and laugh a WHOLE lot and listen to some good music and meet some cool people and have some CRAZY experiences. So. Here's a play by play of the night: After finding a parking spot--i SUCK at parallel parking--Molly and I run--yes, full out RUN, folks. in high heels down a hill. to meet Linds who has our tickets. Molly and I arrive at the Loft and I left everything but my phone and keys in the car, thus not having my id, thus having to pay more money, which I also did not have. And some random guy swoops in and says he will cover me, and we go upstairs and he pays for me and disappears. then we go find the spots Erica saved for us. Suffice to say that Linds and Molly are not short girls. This resulted in some rather unhappy girls behind us. I've never been called those things before, much less repeatedly by someone right behind me in close proximity. yikes. So Matt plays and it's great. After the show two drunk men--and by 'men' i mean well into their 30s--approach with the pick up line:"so that was a f*ing badace show, wasn't it?" Brilliant. Molly proceeds to introduce herself as Mary, Linds as Leena, and me as Sarah. All freshmen from UGA. Upon which the taller guy remarks that we will be sucessful in life, no matter what we do, because we are beautiful. Right. Molly knows this guy that works with Wertz, so we waited around to talk to this kid Jason, and, in the process, met several other people. [insert several other funny stories]. Molly gave me a piggy back up the hill to my car. On the way out of town, we are sitting at a stoplight, and Molly freaks out and covers my eyes. Why, you might ask? Oh, that's because the man driving the truck next to us decided to, ahem, expose himself. freely. We make the essential stop for Mcflurries because all the starbucks are closed and its 1 in the morning and i have to drive back. And that was some of our night. but now, on to the serious part. actually, I think I will just make it a separate post...

Psalm 13

2006-04-20T12:48:00.000-04:00

I mean really? Did I really just delete my post when I was almost done? I need computer lessons.
SO. I don't think most of what I had to say was important enough to repeat, but the jist of the unimportant things is that school is almost over (YES) and that SOON I will be in Russia (YES). God is going to do some crazy stuff in and around me and everyone else over there. Exciting stuff.
And now to the important things...and they would go into the very large "Unimportant" category of words coming from me, except they are about the Very Most Important One.
The attribute of the day, coming from Psalm 13, is Above. God is above. He is Above in power and in Strength. He is Above in greatness and glory. He is Above our hopes and fears. Above the world, the stars, and the whole universe. He is Above our thoughts and ways. Above our understanding or comprehension. He is infinitely Above. His "Above-ness" is not impersonal or distant though. He is also Above in love. He loves more than anyone else could or would or does or ever has or ever will. What a dizzying thought--that the very God who IS so far Above us all, Above the smallness of me, so much greater and most worthy, is the same God whose love and compassion and grace and mercy is Above--and unfathomably outweighs the love and compassion and grace and mercy of all of us teeny people.
[so interesting how you can set out to write one thing, and then it just takes a life of its own and turns into something completely different once you start typing...]
This morning I just had to sit there and think, ok, so You are Above. Psalm 13 is David asking how long, LORD, how long? Four times, he asks how long God will take to act, how long his enemies will win, how long before things make sense. And there are some things that don't make much sense to me. A whole lot of things, actually. But the very fact that David and I are asking the same question, thousands of years apart, does not tell me that God is unfaithful, but that He is, and always has been, and always will be infinitely Above. It does not mean I will get my answers, and i don't know how things ended up with Dave, but I think I'll join him in saying
But I trust in Your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in Your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD, for He has been good to me.
I mean, can I say that again? His love is UNFAILING. I trust in it. His salavation is sure and complete. I rejoice in it. I will sing with my heart and soul to the Lord of Hosts, Jehovah, for He has been so good to me. So I give You my question marks, God. You are Above. I sing for You.

HAPPY EASTER

2006-04-16T23:16:00.000-04:00

THREE CHEERS FOR EASTER! and three cheers for finishing my last paper of the semester! not in all caps of course, but exciting, nonetheless. and now some thank you notes to write. Jesus is ALIVE. He is GLORIOUS. i am tired, and He is going to watch me as i sleep. Wonderful reality.

Nails

2006-04-15T15:31:00.000-04:00

Such small, dirty nails physically held Jesus to the cross. Crazy how something a little smaller than the size of a remote can cause so much pain and suffering, and hold 170+ lbs in the air. Tearing and stretching. And yet. The nails are not what held Jesus to the cross. His love, His great love, for you and me, held Him there. He CHOSE to be there. He chose to lay down His life. So we wouldn't have to.
I don't know about you, but I am far too numb to this far too often. But the moments when I get it, it's like...Ah!...mind-blowing stuff. My life would be so different if I got it all the time.

aquatic gathering anyone?: why i say no.

2006-04-14T00:17:00.000-04:00

say hello to the crispiest gal east of texas...(what?)
first intentional and prolonged time in the sun today for, i don't know, a really REALLY long time. with no sunscreen...smart, i know. and now i have some spectacular stripes and bathing suit lines to show for it. and some VERY red skin. but. i remember now why i usually avoid laying out. among other reasons, such as large groups of people, bathing suits, being in the presence of large groups of people IN bathing suits, sights of others in bathing suits, the completely awkward knowledge (whether real or imagined) that EVERYONE sees you practically exposed...no secrets, and the unspoken competition(?) among girls and flaunting/flirting between the sexes, reminiscent of middle school pool parties or PC at spring break. nope, i don't have a soapbox, nor a particular distaste for certain inevitable aspects of summer in these parts.
i really wasn't planning on complaining or venting or whatever that was, and it just came out. focused on God as being Unrivaled today. Focused praying that over my life and others. That Jesus, who truly is Unrivaled in grace, truth, power, wisdom, love, knowledge, strength, patience, and everything else, would be unrivaled in me. That i might give no thing, no emotion, no person, no dream His rightful and unrivaled place as first in my life. Why on earth would we even want anything else? but we do. i do.
Jesus--take Your place
fill Your throne--my heart
be Unrivaled and Unmatched as You are
You ARE. iamnot.
may i worship You as i ought
offer me as i am
fall to be lifted up
open my arms to be embraced
tear down Your rivals in me
and be Unrivaled

Lessons Learned...and Forgotten

2006-04-07T19:48:00.001-04:00

looked through some old journals yesterday. It is so weird and interesting to me that while I look back and see how I've grown and changed, I also can look back and realize I've forgotten things I learned and am not as passionate in certain ways or areas. How humbling. We truly never stop growing, and no matter how much we grow there are things that we have to remember and re-learn. It's also been rather interesting and encouraging to realize how much I can learn from everyone. EVERYONE. As humans, we all reflect a unique bit of light from our Father--believer or not. So in my pursuit of God, it is imperative that I seek and find Him in everyone and everything around me. Or at least beg of Him to reveal Himself so I can glimpse Him. All of that means that every person you and I see, talk with, interact with--stranger, friend, annoyance, loved one--has the stamp of the Creator. We are often told that in reference to ourselves, and it is so true, but it is true looking out too. We can see a glimpse of Jesus' eyes sometimes simply by looking into theirs. I've been realizing this with people I love lately...just looking at how they have taught me to love different facets of God and His people. I mean, I'm still pretty shabby at keeping my eyes open, but I'm glad the light bulb is on, at least.

baseball and whitey tighties

2006-04-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

YES for the Passion06 cd. (!!!!) makes me happy to listen to. ok so at some baseball games i went to today, we sat under pine trees. Did you know that little worm/larvae things fall out of pine trees? I didn't. but they do. and they squirm and wriggle. yum.
I was at the aforementioned baseball games with one of my BEST friends who goes to school in VA. It was very good to hang out with her.
Another thought...as i sat in the bleachers, and the different guys were going up to bat, i began to wonder how on earth they would wear boxers with such tight pants. and i'm no expert, but i don't think whitey tighties are the status quo...and then i remembered the boxer briefs and how they save the day. i promise i don't think about this often, but i saw a line from some whitey tighties and it set my mind on that road. i did not share these thoughts with anyone sitting with me, and perhaps i should not have shared them here and now, but oh well. off to change my clocks!

Overcome Me

2006-03-31T10:53:00.000-05:00

geez...it may all be the truth, but i am depressing...here's a little something i wrote the other day. i kind of like it. i think it accurately paints a picture of my heart. but i'm biased. i suppose i can be.

Jesus, You have overcome the world--overcome my heart
Take it, beating, out of me
a raw and bloody mess
surrendered to Your Glory.
Make it healed and whole
Your fingernail gently, painfully, carefully
scratching away the residue it's coated in

Jesus, You have overcome the world--overcome my fear
Drag it, screaming, out of me
A castaway of perfect love
Finished robbing You of Your Glory.
Tag it unnecessary, unwanted,
Foreign to who i am created to be
as you heat the fir and break the chains it forges

Jesus You have overcome the world--overcome my self
Rub me, dull and dead, sparkling clean
A rock, split open
Revealing Your Glory.
Love me into beauty--
Jagged, broken and gray unveiled
as flowing, faceted and green

Overcome me.

Fog

2006-03-29T12:44:00.000-05:00

I don't really feel like telling what has been going on in life today. Don't really feel like sharing or being vulnerable. But maybe because of those things, I should. It's very uncomfortable, though.
I am tired. My eyes are tired and a tad puffy from last night's episode. I want so badly to see, but I don't. Instead of surrendering myself I think that my heart has almost surrendered my dreams. I feel defeated and helpless. It is a beautiful, glorious day outside, and I'm about to go enjoy it. Maybe the sun will penetrate through the clouds then. It's very frustrating to know I am putting God in a box and not know how to break Him out. Maybe that is His job.
Jesus make the dead Alive. Make the blind see. Make the lost found.

Friends...CAPS...call me Thomas

2006-03-26T23:42:00.000-05:00

Friends are such a beautiful thing. It is so easy to see bits and pieces of Jesus in them. And sometimes I'll get a glimpse of His whole eye, or section of His heart. Beautiful. Had a MARVELOUS time with some STUNNING hearts (and faces, too) tonight. I mean, any evening including chicken salad, a good cry, ice cream, dressing up, taking pictures, dancing, and other such fun things, not including the aforementioned STUNNING counterparts, makes for a FABULOUS night.
I am trying to work on my punctuation. I have fallen into the typical collegiate slothfulness--leaving capitals and grammar and correct punctuation far behind. I like to write like I would speak. Or rather, I just do. So I'm not sure what I can do about the technical grammar. However, I CAN do something about capitalizing sentences and 'I'. So. This is my effort.
And the bold feature is so difficult to use on this thing. Maybe I'm just challenged in technical things. And I am. So I resort to CAPS. Whatever works, I guess. I really like the CAPS feature.
The story of doubting Thomas from John 20 is in my mind tonight. (pet peeve...tonite...) Jesus shows him. He proves Himself, when He has no obligation to Thomas. And while He seems to gently reprimand him, more than focusing the negative on Thomas, He says "Blessed are those who do not see and still believe." Jesus shows up, right in front of my face when i doubt. When i am faithless, He is faithful. And yet...He tells me, right now, right where I am, to believe without seeing. And i don't see. Yeah, I can see Him at work in and around me in MIGHTY ways. I know He is there...but in certain areas of my heart...certain dreams, certain territories...I do not see anything at all. I don't understand. I don't get it...not the seeming lack of answers, not the uncertainty, not the tears, not the waiting. BUT. He calls me to believe even when I don't see.
So here I go. Jesus, increase my faith. Move the mountains before me as I stare at Your face.

wounds (abrasions)

2006-03-24T00:29:00.000-05:00

you know the feeling when you have this huge abrasion, (i know, great word) and it is starting to heal and scab over, so you take the band-aid off as a perpetual covering. and then you accidentally hit it on something. and it is tender and painful, and sometimes it starts to bleed. so you put the band-aid back on and have another go-round.
my heart hurts.

a little flashlight on the soul

2006-03-22T02:26:00.000-05:00

somehow i always end up procrastinating. thus, here i am, at 2 something in the morning, still awake and going. ah well.
just listened to alex's cd in the background of my work. i really like it. so good to see linds again today. realized i have some issues. (SURPRISE). alas, i wonder if i will ever live from a completely free heart. i cling to Him completing the good work in me that He has most definitely started.
Realized today that i am afraid to be completely me. to me all of who God made me to be around everyone. somehow i feel the need to restrict myself to being more serious or quiet or mature--just thinking and listening a whole lot of the time...which is not all bad, and definitely a part of who i am, but not all of me. i am quirky and weird. i make outrageous comments and, at times, poke fun. i think a lot, but i have a lot to say as well. i am silly. i am goofy. i talk in funny voices and am really scatterbrained at times. i don't always finish my sentences, (thank you trish, for always reading between the lines and understanding "kelly" language) much to the confusion of some around me. i get really really excited sometimes--too excited to coherently speak, and excited enough to jump up and down and clap once or twice. i like to spontaneously break out dancing. and a bunch of other things that are me.
once again, it seems i have simply talked about myself. but on second thought, it is not so much about me as it is about who exactly God has made me to be. Who He wants me to be. i am not there yet. but i want to keep running after it with all my heart, eyes fixed on His glorious, beautiful face. By my fear and excuses to live out the Life in me, i have elevated what men think of me over what God thinks of me. the most basic of things, that i would tell you i did not have a problem with. i do my own thing. i don't care what people think. oh, but no. i am above nothing. read in John about the Pharisees valuing praise from men over praise from God, and i thought, wow, Lord, don't let me do that...all the while thinking that i don't. and...you get the point.
add all this to another very not-small revelation concerning my heart and another relationship, and i am plumb worn out.
Jesus today i am tired. i need Your music to come and inspire. i give myself to be refined in this fire. Jesus, today i'm so tired.
and You'll come again, with a shout. like a theif in the night, You'll come riding on clounds. finally, the voice i had followed for life has a glorious face that is lit up with light and You'll come for me.
no more pain, peace; no more fear, release...just lost and consumed with my Glorious King
one of my favorite songs to sing. and hear. Charlie is great. adios my friends.

my day. (apparently it's all about me)

2006-03-19T00:03:00.000-05:00

so...looking back over my posts, i have a few comments...i talk entirely too much about specific school things like bio or polysci. and i always seem to say i'm tired and lacking sleep. and can i say that i am retarded at posting pictures? i mean, how awkwardly placed can i make it? i don't know, maybe i shouldn't say too much. the future holds all kinds of things. but i am going to try and amend these few things.
so. maybe i'll just comment on the space of my day, event by event.
finished my creative endeavors for Linds and Molly. i am obsessed with shadow boxes now. sort of. i love drawing and thinking and putting scraps of things together to make a message and a meaning.
also picked up my birthday ring this afternoon. i really like it. green stone and gold setting. YES for dark green. not the kind of fake bright green of emeralds. and antique-y settings in gold.
helped give the dog a bath. marvelous, as always. she is just precious, though. how do dogs sleep so much of the time? i am convinced that a solid 80% of the time, she is sleeping. crazy. and in such odd positions...hanging half off of her bed, maybe just her head on it, or maybe just her head off of it. makes me want to get comfortable and sleep. which i just might do. alas! there i go talking about sleep again.
so i typed out Romans 8 and Colossians. a first step to my goal of memorizing them. Romans 8 is so freaking amazing. and long. every time i read it, it speaks to me where i am. talk about the LIVING Word of God. sorry about the deception, however, did this like two days ago, not today.
today, however, i did read the first part of a tribute to John Lennon compiled by Yoko. very interesting to hear what people had to say. obviously he was a bit before my time, but so many people loved him. i wanted to see what all the hubbub was about. as a musician and as a person.
then i proceeded to go to eckerds to fill a perscription only to realize i left it on the kitchen counter. drove home to get it and went back. that was exciting. but really, the sunset was GLORIOUS. and did i mention i LOVE drums? like, i LOVE music, but i just LOVE good drums in a song. is that how you say that? i think i expressed myself wrongly. good drums...i'm sure someone knows the terminology. anyway. that. i love that.
ok well. i've got my short book written for the day, so i feel free to leave you now. hopefully i'll have an interesting dream.
ok--sidenote. i just went to write the 'title' for this post, and seeing as it is about my day, and all the random things that entails, i have realized it is all about me. something else i shall try to amend...just thought i'd verbalize once again how ME-centered i am. just so you know.

SPRING BREAK

2006-03-17T21:50:00.000-05:00

ah spring break. still here. almost over. three cheers for a peaceful home and God's beauty! but really? it's taking 5 years to upload these pictures...so you just might not get to see what would elicit three cheers from me. there we go. it worked. about a year ago, since you can't see the contrasting red date. love sunsets. and then my backyard...

yikes i don't know how these things work...i guess they will all be above the writing. soo.

can i be a sentimental putz and say i am so sad i dropped trish and ms betty off at the airport on wed.? SAD DAY. 3 months. my soul friend. she knows me better than almost anyone on the planet. and these are some of our moments...

starbucks listeners and first fainting spells

2006-03-13T14:48:00.000-05:00

Spring break is finally here. there's still a good bit of work to do, but resting is nice. it was the weirdest thing. i fainted this morning for the first time in my life. i stood up to quickly i guess, and walked to the bathroom, put my Bible and notebook by the sink, started to black out, but didn't think much of it...happens all the time. except this time i just remember coming to and staring at the ground, feeling paralyzed and confused, vaguely remembering hitting my back and shins. it felt like i had just woken up from sleeping. i was awkwardly laying in the doorway with my back against the door and my legs sprawled against the other side of the doorframe. very interesting. i really ought to be getting ready about now because i need to meet my mom at the jewelry store to look at my ring. it was for my birthday.
last night it was good to talk with trish at starbucks. i can't believe she'll be leaving for england for 3 months on wed. but you know, i wonder what the guy next to us was thinking. we talked about a lot of things. crazy stuff like life purpose and God's omnipresence and passages from Scripture, and faith, and the nations...along with just being stupid (aka ourselves--rather, myself)...and he apparently kept looking at us. i wonder if he was thinking, 'right on!' or disagreeing, or simply curious, or what.

why is the sky blue?

2006-03-03T10:43:00.000-05:00

i found the rose garden at the botanical gardens here and i am SO excited. and there is a MARVELOUS climbing tree. lately i have been fascinated with nature and trees and sunsets and stars and flowers. i LOVE trees. they are so simple yet twisted and tangled. solidly rooted in the ground. beautifully bare before all the leaves and flowers come in the spring. strong and big, regardless of what goes on around them, storm or sunshine.
and flowers are so delicate and beautiful. and unique. how incredible is it that God decided to let them smell a little bit like heaven?! just sitting there, waiting for any passerby who wishes to stop and breathe in some beauty.
stars are kind of a given, but still! how remarkable! glorious death and life shining brighter, bigger and farther than any of our little minds can grasp.
sunsets and sunrises technically fall into the star category, but it's our little star. and the sky in general is thrown in with that too. just looking up makes me feel small, and in a bubble. the blue sky...the glorious colors of pink and golden and orange. is golden a color? it should be. sunbeams shining through the clouds is another magnificent sight. when you can see the light from the heavens coming down in such a tangible and specific way...wow.
why is the sky blue? i know there are scientific answers to that question, and reasons i wouldn't understand, but really...what if it were green or purple? God could just as easily have created our laws of physics and ultraviolet rays and whatever else to work in such a way that it would be perfectly normal to have a green sky. and we would be wondering why it's green. some child would say why isn't it blue? and the answer would be, that's perposterous! it's green because our light and rays and science makes it so. and all along we are just a little off kilter...
random sidenote.
so now i'm going to get excited about going to enjoy these things i've been telling you about...

falling down

2006-02-28T23:39:00.000-05:00

OH MY WORD. i am a screwball. and i fall on my face again before You. i'm sorry i'm so faithless and i'm so sorry i am not joyful and i'm so sorry i forget SO EASILY how absolutely AMAZING and GINORMOUS You are.
i have some amazing pictures of the sky. but it's not because i am any kind of photographer. it's because sometimes the mountains and sky and water make it impossible for the picture-taker to mess up. my soul friend--she is a photographer. she has some amazing pictures of not only the sky, but the most random things--traffic lights, signs, streets, brick buildings, dead leaves. she's an artist that way.
you know, anyone can take something beautiful and present it as beautiful. it takes an artist, a master designer, to take something ugly and mundane, and present it as beautiful. that is what You have done. and are doing. You have taken me, in all my filth and smallness, and have covered me, flooded me, drowned me in Your grace and righteousness. i am clean and beautiful in Your sight. and yet i am not there. i have not 'arrived'. You are taking me, even still, and shaping and pruning and refining and sifting. i am sorry. but i am so SO glad. thank You for being faithful--Your Love endures forever, and Your faithfulness through all generations. thank You for being my Joy--the Joy of the LORD is my strength. thank You for waiting patiently with open arms, some hydrogen peroxide, a band-aid, and a kiss.
and so i stand up again. maybe i should just stay on my knees...

thoughts...

2006-02-26T23:24:00.000-05:00

it is truly amazing to see what is on some reality tv shows. i am sitting here, in the brumby rotunda, loading music to my itunes and some show like the bachelor, but with 'flava'--who wears a crown and a cape and talks in third person--is on the big screen. and a catty fight almost just broke out. wow. i'm feeling so much stupider and worse off, overall, for even overhearing it. gotta love vh1. YES. someone finally went over there and turned down the volume. way down. why didn't i think of that?
my mind is kind of stripped of all deep and articulated thoughts at the moment. there's a kind of fog that happens when your ears are clogged...or rather your eustachian tubes, to be exact...and somehow when you hear your own chewing better than you hear outside sounds and voices, the chewing noise sometimes over takes any thought in your brain. of course, this is only while eating. i would hope you don't chew your tongue, or clang your teeth together. i experienced this phenomenon while eating a bowl of berry kix earlier this evening. i was amazed at the volume this noise could reach in my own ears while virtually nonexistent to those around me. on that enlightening note, i am going to go baptizo myself and sleep some more. great sermon today, by the way. off to wash.

SURPRISE

2006-02-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

WHOA. i have amazing friends. they were amazing before they threw me a surprise day-after-my-birthday-party, but it simply brought this amazingness to my attention once again. so much fun. and i had NO idea. i should have picked up on the many sketchy things going on, but i am oblivious like that. and i will believe whatever you tell me to a fault. (hopefully not so much on doctrinal things...just everyday things. why would anyone lie? why not just say nothing if you don't want to say? these are the things that keep me awake at night. not really. but i wonder.) and as i was previously writing, i was confused in general yesterday. so it blew my mind when i walked into doc chays (no idea how you spell that) and see a long table with a bunch of people chilling and waiting for me. thank goodness there was no yelling or commotion. really not a fan of that. but they were there. chris came from augusta. alex came from alpharetta. and then some people from around here. and linds made me chocolate-covered things and a lot of iced vanilla latte's and eclairs. and we hung out and talked and laughed at my wonderful sister's apt for a long time.
i don't deserve the many many blessings the Lord has poured out on me. what precious friends. my heart smiles, and is so blessed to know they love me, and think of how they make me laugh. fabulous as molly would say. just fabulous. i am currently uploading one of my presents to itunes...passion06! very exciting. well. that's about all i have. i mean, not really, but who wants to hear the rest? i wouldn't. i'll just sit here and think it out instead.

i am glad dreams don't always come true

2006-02-23T18:08:00.000-05:00

so. yesterday was a rainy birthday. but. that's alright. i decided that i didn't want my birthday to me all about me. the world doesn't stop turning because 19 years ago a wrinkley red baby came into the world. nor should it stop just because i've made it 19 years. life goes on. josh's dog is still sick...linds's heart still hurts...alex still has musical things...trish still has family things. the rain falls and life goes on. it worked out pretty well for me. not to make it about ME, that is. i think i'll try it again next year. and today. and tomorrow. and every other day. sounds like a plan. linds gave me this INCREDIBLE book of the cosmos, with these AMAZING pictures and verses and quotes. beautiful, indescribable stuff. nebulas and planets and galaxies and star clusters. i'm on my way to becoming an astronomy nerd. another wonderful reminder of how small i am, and how BIG God is. and i can look at it whenever i want to:) that's exciting.
had a very confusing morning this morning. weird dream. half way asleep while sending and receiving text messages. feeling kind of sick. when things like that happen, sometimes later on in the day i find myself thinking...ok, is this real? when dreams carry over and you think they are reality. i'm glad mine isn't. very glad. (some of you might be wondering what this dream entails, but i will just leave you with a chinese scandal, small children, the indescribable tour, my best friends, mistaken gender, and a mooning waterskier) but. kind of disconcerting. well...i'm off to be surprised by a lovely friend, after spending my waking hours with another lovely friend. i have lots of lovely friends. hope your day is not as confusing as mine.

what i love. what love is.

2006-02-20T20:51:00.000-05:00

yum i love birthday cake. and special dinners. and getting back papers. and my mom and sister. and my brother and dad. tourmalines (sp?) and garnets. dangley earrings and high heels. sweat pants and fun puma tennis shoes. i love dark green and gray and brown. i love blazers and jackets-not-coats. i love the fact that my sister is in love. i love coming back from worshipping and having my neck and smile muscles be sore. (kind of remarkable, really) i love roses and tulips. and giving flowers and cards and snow peas to people. and funky jewelry. and being different. i love going against the grain. doing my own thing. getting weird looks for going outside the cookie cutter. i love spontaneous back-scratching and/or playing with hair. i love laughing while i'm crying (happened for maybe the first time ever the other day...very interesting sensation). i love straight up encouragement. i love sunsets and sunrises. i love stars. i love solitary trees on rolling hills with the bright blue or dark black sky behind. i really love to see horses roll around on their backs and chase each other. i love naps in comfy chairs with the sunshine coming in through the window. and such naps at the student learning center. i love it when hair stuff smells good...like not floral or squeaky clean, but some incredible smell they come up with at all those hair product factories. i love seeing more and more how HUGE God is. i love asking Him to reveal His truth. and He does. i love watching Him pull through. every time. i love His faithfulness when i am faithless. which is quite often. i love Jesus. and want to desperately love Him more.
love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. love never fails.

THAT much

2006-02-15T22:20:00.000-05:00

ok so why does my homepage have pink trimmings?...do all blogs do that?
anyway. i guess its in the spirit of valentine's day...
soo. it started out kind of rough, but i had one of the best valentine's day's i've had in a long time. maybe ever. and all that without a valentine...
actually, that morning when i woke up, the Lord and i talked and decided that He's my Valentine. and while i wavered there somewhere around the middle of the evening, He pulled through and managed to shower His Love on me in a very real and powerful and personal way. rather, i saw it...it's always there...
but really. He used two good God-friends to wrap me up. particularly, the guy. i don't know what it is...something about a tender heart receiving affirmation from a father, a brother, a friend, a lover(ahem, someday), that is so unique and special. i think because God is our Father and our Lover. and in this case, the Lord decided to speak truth and love over me and into my heart through a good guy friend. thinking back, i can hardly remember a time when i really felt so loved...so right. and alright...perfectly made for His ultimate glory. the Lord gave Alex some really powerful, specific things to say, both to me and just for me to hear and think about. and i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that was my Creator speaking to my heart, being my Valentine.
to top it all off, He miraculously took care of all the things that needed to be done today. i mean, they all worked out perfectly. and now i am going to sleep early because i only got 3 hours last night.
wow. God is so good. His Love is deep and wide and fathomless. He loves you THAT much. He loves me THAT much. whatever 'THAT' means to you...fill in the blank...to ransom your soul, to fight for your heart. to go beyond time and space and be humiliated and human. to carry out His perfect plan, bigger than you can imagine and more than your wildest dreams. He loves us THAT much. and i, for one, am very excited about that.
so tomorrow i will wake up, and try to get my mind working well enough to even try to comprehend this Love (and it won't work), and i'll have to tell myself, just like i have to every day (i'm so forgetful), that He is BIG and ask Him to do AMAZING things i would not believe if i had been told. all while i stand back and watch, amazed. so here's to another day of reminders and routine on my part, and incredible adventure and mystery on His.

frogs in tunics?

2006-02-12T22:11:00.000-05:00

new thought...i wonder if God is goofy at all. i mean, surely if He made me that way, He has to have some appreciation for it. and i also wonder if He just rocks back in that throne and laughs--the deep kind from your belly...i would laugh at me. and the thousands of other people who do stupid stuff. even better, He's right here with me and in me and outside of me besides being in heaven. and everywhere else. and just think...He can see it all at one time, past present and future...that's a lot of stuff to see. not just the bad and good, but there's funny stuff in there too. wonder what things boys came up with to do back then. i am so confident that they did SOMETHING. just minus technology. i'm sure we would all be amazed at what hills, rocks, dust, and sticks are capable of. and that doesn't even include donkeys, leaky fishing boats, or caves. i'm sure there was still a fair share of frogs and snakes while learning the Torah in school. i mean, maybe not. maybe that's all just my imagination. somehow i think there was something going on though. and it makes for a laugh to think about it.

mind games

2006-02-11T21:52:00.000-05:00

i really hate how obsessed with appearance our culture is. and i really hate how i get wrapped up in it. just 5 more lbs...just get that jacket or those shoes. if we go down that road, it never really ends and we are never really satisfied. sometimes i really don't like the fact that i long to be beautiful. i mean, honestly, i feel kind of like a girly, prissy, pathetic girl even saying it. but the irony of it all is that's how i was made to be. what my heart longs for is to reflect an aspect of our Creator's heart...the relational, beautiful, captivating side. i really hate how in spite of the fact the culture demands us to be beautiful, and, in short, physically flawless, it makes me cringe to admit i care. i feel girly if i cry. like somehow that's a bad thing. seeing as i am a girl, you'd think it would be ok, but no. i'm just weird like that. anyway. Satan is messing with my mind, and i don't like it one bit. Jesus, for Your glory and in Your name i ask You to take captive every thought and kick out the ones that don't belong. Come rule my mind with Life and Peace. thank You for Your words over me..."all beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you" (SoS 4:7) . let me live like i'm loved-- confident, radiant, and free.

i need words

2006-02-09T23:06:00.000-05:00

i need words as wide as sky
i need a language large as this longing inside
i need a voice bigger than mine
i need a song to sing you that i've yet to find
i need you
to be here now
to hear me now
david crowder

so i asked to see. and You showed me.
i asked to be broken. and You broke me.
i cried out. You heard me.
i asked. You sent.
You ARE. iamnot.

JOY

2006-02-08T13:57:00.000-05:00

it is so amazing how a change of heart can happen in mere seconds. i was sitting there at lunch, being not-so-joyful, and felt the need to go pray for this guy...and when i did my heart went from not-so-joyful to thoughtful and seeing the big picture. then i walked up the hill to my lovely residence and came into the computer lab, wishing my wireless works in my room, still being not-quite-joyful. and my sister called...her hello lightened my heart, and her laugh shook my mood off...and my laugh made me very-joyful.
i feel like every single day is a struggle. there is ALWAYS, or almost always, an hour, a couple of hours, or even just 20 minutes, where i lose sight of the BIG picture and find myself discouraged and mundane. it really has to be You, Jesus, all You. i realize more and more every day that i can't do this life by myself. how You'd have me to, that is. i need You. DESPERATELY. so so desperately. i want to be real; transparent and vulnerable; free from pride and stuffy fronts that shut the world out. i want to cry and laugh and love. i want to give and to Live. make my heart come alive today!

?

2006-02-07T22:58:00.000-05:00

do you ever have those moments where all of a sudden things aren't so solid and you're not sure if what you've been seeing or thinking is the way things really are? not so much in a God kind of way, but in a me kind of way...maybe that's the problem. tonight, after hearing this guy speak, i sat there, and i was like...is that me? am i trying to hide and be perfect behind a facade put up for the world to see? just the other day 2 of my best friends and i were talking, and i was asking them about my weaknesses. i concluded that because of my personality and the nature of them, most people don't see them, but oh, are they there. something makes me think that i am not seeing the whole picture...i don't know the depths of my own heart, and i feel like there's some glaring sin that isn't in my line of vision...but until i see it i can't turn around and surrender it for Christ to transform. kind of frustrating. anyway.
Spirit, shine down on my soul...show me my heart and all my hidden motives...uproot my pride it has no place in me.

bla bla bla

2006-02-04T23:17:00.000-05:00

kd;lskjdfklda;lskdjth itha ithi sthiscktdhiesax. sayoithac.asldkf i awnt eo ahave and alkjjg;laisdff;axc,.e. alkdfj ai ;alksdjf eialkjeahteiocanske. aiseth. thiealicthenvbiena. alkdfjaeila.
sometimes i feel like that's all that comes out of my mouth. just babbling, incoherent words. i wonder if that's all that people hear. i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't matter what my words say if the Spirit of God is active and speaking through them.
Jesus be present in my words and in my heart behind them. Spirit, connect with Yourself in other believers and make Yourself known to unbelievers.

i put our tech-y generation to shame

2006-02-02T23:04:00.000-05:00

can i please just make it known to the world how retarded i am when it comes to computers. which formats, which files, which programs, how to highlight and comment and upload. oh my word. but i think i figured out the bare minimum. hopefully my prof will find the right files with the right comments in the right place. ok. that's my predominant thought for now. oh...and another thing...
i have come to realize that my classes are just an extension of "indescribable"...whether its proteins and cells or genes and alleles, everything--every area--simply screams God's infinite majesty and His greatness...His perfect design, so complex that the most brilliant scientist or philosopher cannot fathom it. writing that out, it seems so obvious--of course the mind of God is infinitely above the mind of created man--but we are so easily tricked into looking only as far as our eyes can see and reaching for what our hands can feel or our minds can grasp, rather than opening up wide and asking for more while acknowledging what little we have.
so while i would much rather be looking at the cosmos and listening to God's heartbeat via louie, it has made classes more bearable, and hold up, even interesting to realize this truth. ok so i still was about to fall asleep today, but its more of an incentive to learn anyway.
that's all folks.

sticks and stones

2006-01-31T13:01:00.000-05:00

it just breaks my heart that people sometimes only see the down side...or imagine one, rather than encourage and uplift. i know no one is perfect and everything here on earth has its flaws, but Father God!-please repair breeches and mend broken hearts. lift up the down-trodden and bind wounds. may we throw off any hindrances to seeing Your beautiful face. it is my heart to encourage and uplift and pour out into lives. may i not singlehandedly destroy and discourage and dry up, but ever seek Your face and unity among the Bride of Christ.
it is interesting how immediately our hearts and minds cling to the negative. i know if i hear say, 10 complements and only 1 really discouraging comment, i always remember the bad before the good. or if i do get torn down, i can remember the exact words years later. and sometimes, words are inspiring. and i can remember some of those exact words years later. it is really remarkable how powerful the tongue is. James says just like a bit guides a powerful horse, a rudder guides a huge ship, and a tiny spark can burn down forests, the tongue has the power of life and death. (i'm not looking at a Bible so you might want to check on the specifics...chapter 3 i believe?) so small and so influential.
Jesus use my words to fill this darkness with light and cause hearts to soar like eagles. may my words bring life and peace and love, not death and dissension and hate. watch my heart. find any impure motive or thought in me and shine Your Light on it so i can surrender it for You to fix. except for the sin, choice to surrender, and desire to receive all You have, i have no part in this deal...i can't do a thing about it. i can't even see where it is i am in the wrong most of the time, much less heal what i know is broken. bring Your power and Breath to my life.
there's a lot to do today. multiply my hours and energy. alleluia

the half smile

2006-01-29T15:03:00.000-05:00

back in athens! sometimes i wonder if i have ever stayed here all weekend. not in a long time anyway. its kind of gross outside, at least since i looked an hour or two ago. i'm not really sure why, but i am about to bust. this light, this huge unexpressable joy just wants to jump out of me, and i don't really know how without just yelling and running around this panera and just plain freaking everyone else out. maybe my eyes are shining. hope so anyway. i've got this perpetual smile thing going on...you know, like when your eyes are smiling and your mouth is in a general upward direction, but you aren't really smiling yet...the 2 seconds before you just bust out with a face-splitting smile. anyway. enough disection on the smile. i have to read three chapters from my polysci book today, and i'm so glad to go into it with this kind of mood. maybe it will be interesting...maybe not, but either way at least i'll be smiling! i want to live the life that is truly Life! i want to Love and Laugh and Live and Give today! thank You, Jesus, for playing me my song this morning, right to my heart. fill up this day with You!

sleep. or lack thereof

2006-01-27T23:29:00.000-05:00

so apparently this lack of sleep is getting to me. overslept again today. and took a FOUR hour nap after classes. that is remarkable. and i am tired as we speak! i speak...whatever...but Jesus got me through this week. and He will get me through next week. just like Micah says, "we will walk in the name of the LORD for ever and ever." (ch 5) off to see a best friend in b'ham tomorrow morning...and off to get some more sleep tonight! adios

falling into grace

2006-01-27T00:00:00.000-05:00

Jesus is so good. somehow, despite many things going wrong from the moment i woke up this morning, He just held me through it all. and He will keep on carrying me, cause right about now, i don't think i can make it through my homework tonight and classes and test tomorrow.
please show up in a clear, tangible, mighty way, Lord God. i need You desperately. definitely feel like i'm falling on my face. i'm falling into grace...

hurling and swirling

2006-01-25T12:53:00.000-05:00

ok so this day is only going to get more crazy. the only, and i stress, ONLY way i will get through the next 24 hours is the beautiful face of Jesus. i am confident He will show up. Salvation is here...(smile)....i am so excited about the passion bundle. just have to figure out some problems with my credit card first.
i do have to say that most of the time, any conversation that keeps you talking until 2AM or later is usually worth all the tiredness and any, ahem, unkempt appearance the next day. and charlie hall's release was amazing. read this really cool verse in Jonah today. Jonah 2:3 "You hurled me into the deep, into the very heart of the seas, and the currents swirled about me; all Your waves and breakers swept over me." very cool picture, i think. i want the Lord to do that to me...i want to be hurled into His depths, to the very heart of His grace and beauty...i want His currents to swirl, undeniably about me...i want all of His waves and breakers to sweep over me...all His love, His wonders, His revelation, Himself. just a thought before i become owned by biology for a while. it is so hard to concentrate in classes like bio and polysci...i was sitting there today thinking, i wonder what cool things God is up to, and what i can be doing when i get out of here...and i have to be a student of excellence today mostly. so. you know, you can't win them all i guess. Jesus already has. Jesus surround me with Your Deep.

mind boggling

2006-01-23T22:05:00.000-05:00

well the week rolls on and all the tests are piling up...bio and chfd then a paper and polisci. i'm such a bad studier. is that a word? God keeps showing up, every day, multiple times, in all His Greatness and at the same time showing His attention to the minute details of making me smile and sharing an inside joke. pretty cool to have an 'inside' thing with the Creator of the universe. i don't really get that. in fact, i think my mind shuts down a little bit when i try to imagine it. but i think that is the way it is supposed to be.
so often i find myself standing there in worship thinking, Lord, i hear this and i sing it, but i know without a doubt that i don't understand the depth of its meaning and truth...so i give you what i can, and i acknowledge it's not much--just what You've given me the grace to understand--but its Yours. it is so glorious to feel so small.

standing on the edge of something large

2006-01-22T23:42:00.000-05:00

all i can say is our God is AMAZING.

Standing on the edge of something large.
As i wait, i soar like an eagle
As i fall, over the edge
And You catch me with Your Breath in my wings
And i fly as i dive into Your grace
Jesus come take over me; show me Your face
Breathe life into Your dreams that i may taste
A life on Your scale; glory unveiled
As i wait, i soar like an eagle
As i fall, over the edge
And You catch me with Your Breath in my wings
And i fly as i dive into Your grace
Jesus come fill me up with all that You are
Come put flesh on Your Love; give me Your heart
To know and make known Your name and renown
As i wait, i soar like an eagle
As i fall over the edge
And You catch me with Your Breath in my wings
and i fly as i dive into Your grace

how does the time get away?

2006-01-19T23:15:00.000-05:00

well, i did it again...running, that is, and amazingly enough the ipod worship method to running is not just a one hit wonder. maybe i can do it after all. somehow after planning on being in bed by, oh right now, or so, i am not even in my room, nor have i done the reading for my class first thing in the morning. wonderful. BUT. God is still so faithful in the midst of my stupidity and faithlessness. oh He is faithful. ok well no super deep thoughts today...off to read my homework so i can be a student of excellence...i think i'll look at this lack of sleep as just another opportunity for me to be completely dependent on Jesus. more tangibly anyway. polisci awaits! english too, but who's counting...

sleep

2006-01-18T21:28:00.000-05:00

man. i am just exhausted tonight. it is really freeing to just be yourself, goofiness and all. yep, that's about all i got. it is remarkable how blurry your brain can get, and how little sense real things make and how much sense irrational things make when you are tired. sleep is a great thing that i think i need. so here i go. thank You Jesus for watching me as i lay in my ridiculously lofted bed tonight. thank You for making it so we have no choice but to be helpless and unaware for (ideally) a third of the day You give us. thank You for being huge and in control and not letting me be anything but very small and not in control at all. i sleep in Your arms tonight.

English Autobiography

2006-01-17T14:16:00.000-05:00

My name is Kelly Elizabeth Spitler—one of the thousands of faces you see here in Athens. What makes a name more than a number, or transforms a face into a person? I think it takes just a little time and effort. Hopefully, the next few minutes I spend sitting in front of this screen, showing a glimpse of my life beyond my status as a freshman at the great University of Georgia will accomplish something to that end.
In all honesty, I am a jumbled combination of contradictions and consistency. With the exception of one year living in the Philippines, I was born and raised in Georgia. Much of my life as a child was spent in bleachers or behind dugouts, happily reading or playing in the dirt while my older brother and sister played baseball, softball, basketball, and every other sport known to man. I balked at the family tradition of basketball stardom and opted to be the most uncharacteristic cheerleader, instead.
While I love to curl up with a good book, talking over coffee might be one of my favorite things of all time. I love to listen and observe quietly, whether in a crowded room or in front of teary eyes. I hate to be the center of attention, but do not mind speaking up when necessary. Music of all forms captivates me—whether singing, playing, or listening to it. My faith and my Bible are the most important to me, and I aim to live so my words match my life. I love to laugh, and need to do so more often; I hate to cry in front of boys, and am glad that does not happen too often. The stars leave me speechless. Lakes, oceans, mountains, and plains make my heart come alive. I do not look at flowers, blow dandelions, or climb trees—all those things that are beautiful and possibly childlike—nearly as much as I ought or want. This is a glimpse of me, perhaps a bit more than you wanted, but me, nonetheless.